The Trap of being the "Good Guy" in Relationships (by Dr. Roslyn Still)
(Note: In this post, the label “good guy” is gender neutral. The essence of the post would be the same if the label were replaced with any of the following: good person, good woman, good man, good husband, good partner, good wife, good girlfriend, good boyfriend. I’ve chosen to use “good guy” for ease of writing and because of the familiarity of the phrase. Please substitute whichever label feels comfortable to you.)
The “good guy” identity can be both an asset and a trap. As an asset, it suggests that the individual has morals, a likeable personality, and functions at a socially acceptable level. This makes the individual an appealing relationship partner. However, as a trap, the “good guy” identity limits self-expression, interferes with integration of parts-of-Self, and questions the authenticity of relational connection.
The good guy often feels limited in how much they can express themselves. They have learned—either through direct or indirect experience—that conformity reduces criticism and secures their place in significant relationships. To be good is to be accepted. To be pleasing to others is to be safe. Not having needs means they will not be a burden to others. Conversely, to be unique jeopardizes their place in community. To express oneself might lead to being misunderstood and invalidated. To rely on others is to be let down. These are such painful experiences that the good guy learns to bury the controversial parts of themselves and primarily share the acceptable and praised parts. Relationally, their partner gets used to a limited version of the good guy and builds vision of their relationship on this version. The partner may push back against a part of the good guy’s self-expression because they do not have enough context for its emergence, and they do not have an effective way to talk about their confusion.
A good guy who has not integrated parts-of-Self has buried their “bad” parts or found clever ways to disguise them. However, the ghosts of those buried parts manage to find their way into relationships. This could look like an unexpected burst of emotion, secret indulgences in taboo behavior, occasional lack of inhibition, a difference of opinion, or a failure to prioritize others. When the ghosts are discovered by a partner or other significant individual, the good guy expresses fear or shame, not meaningful ownership. In these moments, it can seem as if the good guy is in damage control mode: they can take on a victim-like demeanor, craft a counter-narrative that shifts attention away from them, retreat into self-blame that looks like depression, or they can launch a “I have to fix myself” campaign. Relationally, the partner may feel betrayed or insecure when they encounter the buried parts of the good guy. They may question what is true and struggle to understand what is happening. The partner may have a vague sense that something important is missing in the good guy’s response.
A good guy who has limited self-expression and does not integrate their parts-of-Self may question the connection they have with their partner. They wonder if they are accepted for who they truly are or for their conformity to other people’s expectations. They seem caught between fear and longing: fear of rejection and longing to be known, both of these can lead to resentment. The good guy resents all the work they must do to bury parts of themselves. They resent their partner’s perceived lack of interest in knowing them. They also resent the choices they made to maintain their good guy role. Interestingly, the resentment becomes another part of themselves that they may try to bury. In some instances, however, the good guy might feel justified in their expression of resentment. Relationally, the partner may have moments when it seems that they are punished for loving the version of the partner they know, and they might feel blindsided by their partner’s resentment. Their attempts to address it may be perceived as self-centered and self-serving, which reinforces the good guy’s questioning of authentic connection.
Freedom from the “good guy trap” is possible if the good guy is willing to give up this identity and learn to tolerate discomfort. There will be awkward periods of internal and relational adjustments as the integrated Self emerges; this is a normal part of personal growth. Internal adjustments can include naming fear associated with being authentic, developing emotional awareness, and accepting the buried parts-of-Self. Relational adjustments can include sharing truthful thoughts, emotions, or preferences, fairly assessing a partner’s care and support, and collaborating when working through conflict. Working with a counselor/therapist as an individual or as a couple offers structure and necessary nudges to embrace the freedom that the good guy craves.
