It is unusual to see a therapist talk about joy when people tend to reach out for therapy at their lowest moments—when they are depressed, when their relationships are struggling, when they are grieving. I am not trying to minimize or dismiss the pain that you might be experiencing. In fact, it is because I am so aware of the pain that I am introducing joy into the conversation.

I believe joy (even if it has not fully blossomed) has the power to heal. Joy links up with hope so that we can envision and create a better future. It motivates us and lightens our load. It is attractive—friends, opportunities, and lovers are drawn to joy. It sparks imagination, creativity, and play. Joy invites us to try one more time when the outcome is uncertain. It emboldens us to ask for what we desire and to move toward spaces where more joy lives. It gives us the courage to walk away from what no longer serves us. Joy can open, enrich, and close the metaphorical chapters in our lives. It is available to each one of us.

Joy is also realistic. It sits alongside pain, loss, frustration, and disappointment. It is not dependent on ease. Joy will not be rushed, show up on-demand, or force its way in. It is unpredictable and, sometimes, unreliable. Joy requires continual cultivation and revision; we create and refine circumstances for joy to show its face. Joy does not simply happen to us.

Here is one more thing I like about joy: it works on an individual basis yet transforms interpersonal bonds. You do not need to be in a romantic relationship to have joy. Your partner does not need to match your level of joy for your relationship to work. You can have joy while you miss a loved one. You can share it with others if you choose to do so. Your joy can connect with someone else’s joy to generate more joy.

When I meet with individuals and couples, I want to do therapeutic work that aligns with my joy and walks them closer to their joy. That kind of work pushes me to grow so that I can support my clients in their growth. To be clear, I am not offering a feel-good course of treatment; this is hard work that requires mutual commitment to the process. This means that I will not be a good fit for clients who are inconsistent, who simply want tools to behave better, or who repeatedly rely on a referee to stop their negative cycles. Can I do that kind of therapeutic monitoring? Sure, I can; I choose not to because that is not where joy lives.

You did not read this far on this page if you are merely looking for the therapy buzz words to see if I understand your clinical concerns; any therapist’s website can offer you that. (There is a list of therapy buzz words below in case you are interested in that.) You are still here because you want a different kind of therapeutic experience—an experience that enhances your understanding of yourself, your circumstances, and your capacity for joy.

My invitation to you is to ask yourself these questions:

• Am I willing to expand my story of pain to include joy?

• Am I willing to cultivate joy even though life is hard right now?

• Am I curious about what my version of joy could be?

(If you are seeking therapy for you and your partner, ask “Am I […]?” and “Are we […]?”)

 If you answered YES to any of these questions, we should talk about the possibility of working together.

Therapy buzz words that reflect the issues I enjoy working with:

Affair Anxiety Anxious Attachment Style

Attachment style Attachment Theory

Avoidant attachment style Breakup Boundaries

Cheating Conflict Connection 

Control Couples Critical Cycle

Depression Disconnected Divorce Emotions

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)       High achiever

Individual Intimacy Lonely Loss

Marriage       Not heard Not seen Partner

Pornography Pursuer       Relationships Sad

Shame Single Withdrawer